i am 21. i am legal all over the world. i am an adult. i am 21.

to me, being 21 just means those two things but it's birthdays that get to me.

i'm not good with dates but i never forget a birthday. i dont know why.

ok. so x amount of years ago, you were born. its not really that big of a deal but i personally believe birthdays should be recognized. celebrate yourself. you made it.

i think i hate the traditions surrounding january first. it's the beginning of a new year but it comes smack dab in the middle of winter, the school year, and the peak of my seasonal affective disorder. so. im not generally interested.

i especially hate new years resolutions. i dont get why people are setting themselves up to fail. you're not going to go to the gym and you're probably not going to quit smoking. stop giving yourself false hope. stop it. this isn't the beginning of a new you.

despite that cynical rant, i like to make goals around my birthday for the coming year. i guess they are sort of like my own personal new year's resolution but let's not call it that. i think goals are important. i think goals are smart. here are some of my new goals for this year.

take more photos.

i need to get specific. i have a camera on me 80% of the time but don't use it as often as i'd like (its like the only accessory i wear lol (that was a shitty joke (its okay, you laughed.)))

some photo specific goals:

shoot more couples!!!!!!!
shoot more series!!!!!!! and shoot more cinematically!!!!!!!
shoot things that aren't babes!!!!!
host a photog workshop!!!!!!!!! (i swear i'll do this by the end of may.)

write more.

being stuck between things is a shitty place to be in. i want to make this blog more personal and i want to write more in it but i don't even enjoy looking at blogs with lots of writing so why would you? hopefully you feel like i have something worth saying so you read it and i hope i can come up with shit that just as interesting to read. maybe interesting is the wrong word. captivating? enthralling? definitely not. but you know what i mean, right?

this one is kind of tough because i want to write more for myself but i'm stuck in a spot where i want to share things but what's worse than throwing a premature thing into the cesspool that is the internet? (nothing.) and honestly, nowadays it feels like 'are you really doing it if it's not out there being shown to the world?' this is a terrible mindset that i want to rid myself of. anyway.

some writing specific goals:

start on that damn book!!!!! (not because i think i have a novels worth of words, but it'll teach me discipline.)
blog here more regularly!!!!! (whatever that means)
commit to a piece!!!! (edit and rewrite and refine)

do more for me.

now this is not to say that im a completely selfless being that disregards myself entirely to put other people first. i am selfish as heck and i have no problem with admitting that, but i don't take care of myself. i don't eat well or often enough and i've got bad habits. when i was younger i honestly didnt think i'd make it past 18 but here we are so i guess this living shit is going to last a lot longer than i though so maybe i should take are of myself to see how long i can ride this out. a few things this resolution entails: exercise. learn to cook. mental health. don't fricking overwork yourself.

the last one is something that i struggle with the most. my problem lies in time management. i feel like y'all might be able to relate with this. i function like there are 40 hours in a day. i tell myself i have time to fuck around for the first bit of a day because i'll be able to do more things later. shit goes south when it's 8 pm and im tired and ill i want to do is binge on social media till i pass out and wake up with some weird internet hangover.

so i guess the solution is to plan things out better. because one thing i want to do for myself is build this blog. i want to buy more books and spend time reading those books. i want to buy that shirt that i tried on, liked, and put away because it was a little more than i wanted to spend but fuck it. im going to buy it and i'm going to wear it and i'm going to feel good because treat yoself am i right?

one more thing this entails is focusing more on school. i'm taking the summer off to really get my shit together so i can really do what i need to do to finish this shit because honestly taking things slow is cool but man. i just want to be done. that being said, this summer i get to exercise my first goal and keep my camera going so i'm stoked re: that.

ANYWAY.

i turned 21 on Good Friday. last year on my birthday i took a photo of myself in a bathtub loaded with donuts. this year i decided i wanted to take on of me holding a cake. the night before i thought it would be a good idea to make the cake. so i tried. turns out i'm really bad at making cake. this is what it looked like.

i honestly have no idea where i went wrong. anyway. my friends came over and helped me fix it.

Tenzin took the photos above for the most part and the ones below.

after the cake was semi-decent, we took it over to a plain wall and shot! here are some of my faves.

i like how things turned out.

thank you coco for helping me fix the cake, belle, for the emotional support and taking pix on the instax, and tenzin for taking the photos above and all of y'all for the friendship.

and you! thank you all for your birthday wishes. the past week of being 21 has been pretty cool i guess.

stay messy, guys. till next time,